Alan: You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart.
Alan: That's typical, nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: Alright, you can chop off her head and put it onto a stake for the villagers.
Alan: Thank you!
******************
Alan: I needed a slap in the face, of course with Mom it's like a nail gun to the testicles.
******************
Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants.
******************
Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
******************
Charlie: No dogs in my house. Especially stolen dogs that are big enough to make me their bitch!
******************
- Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
- Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
- Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.
******************
- Rose: So you like this dress better?
- Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid's running around on the deck in his underwear.
- Rose: Oh, sure. When I do it, you just ignore me.
******************
- Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
- Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
******************
- Jake: How come you're not helping Mom and Dad with the show?
- Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
- Jake: Suck?
- Charlie: Good a word as any.
******************
Charlie [talking to Judith on Alan's cell phone, which Jake brought with him]: What am I doing with Alan's phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too? [pause] Oh, come on, that's funny! [pause] I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don't you try calling him on mine? 310-LICK-ME. [pause] Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells!
******************
Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
******************
Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
******************
- Alan: Where are you going?
- Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
- Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
- Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
- Charlie: How will that be any different than this?
******************
- Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
- Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.
******************
- Charlie: Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
- Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
- Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
******************
- Jake: Dad?
- Alan: Yeah?
- Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
- Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
- Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
- Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
- Alan: Right.
- Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
******************
- Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
- Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
- Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
- Alan: That's private.
- Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
- Alan: Yeah, what's that?
- Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
- Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."
Now if any of you know any good quotes then just post them on the comments section. Im tired of browsing through the list of quotes so I'll just update it next time.
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