Sunday, January 15, 2017

STORYTIME: The Future Lawyer

I was in the middle of something when my phone rang. I picked it up to see who it was. 
It was his name. 
After two months of not hearing from him, I was surprised to see his name appear on my phone. 
I answered the call.
"Buhay ka pa pala?" I greeted him.
"Grabe ka naman."
"Do not even!" I answered.
"I'm somewhere near, do you want to talk in person?"
"I want to explain. It's a long story"
It took me a few seconds to respond but those few seconds felt like an eternity.
"Sure. Meet me where we usually hang out."
I ended the call and got dressed. I grabbed my keys and drove off. When I arrived at the place, there he was wearing an orange and navy blue stripped shirt. Hair perfectly quaffed. He usually wears glasses but this time he didn't have them on.
We found a spot where we could have some privacy and got seated.
"So what happened? What the hell (name I cannot post)?!" I asked, my voice slightly shaking.
"He and I are back together. He's not in the best shape and I feel guilty because it's my fault. Kinausap ako ng mom niya na kung pwedeng balikan ko muna siya."
"That is bullshit! Do you have any idea what I've been through the past two months? The nights I spent thinking what I did wrong? You left without a trace, without so much as a goodbye."
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's a very complicated situation I'm in right now."
He wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Did you even consider my feelings in any of this?" I asked.
"I wanted to talk to you, I just didn't have the..."
"Subukan mong sabihing 'time'. Subukan mo lang," I warned,
"...opportunity" he said with a sheepish smile.
That smile of his always got me. Seeing it calmed me down a bit.
"Does he know that you're here?" I asked.
"No. Ang alam niya kasama ko friends ko and I asked one of them to cover for me."
The waiter arrived with our order. He and I fell silent. We waited for the waiter to leave. I looked at him and I could tell that the stress of the whole situation was taking its toll on him.
I took a sip from my glass.
"So what now? Where do we go from here?" I asked.
"I don't know," he answered. "Have you tried dating someone else?"
"I have, but..."
"But what?" he asked.
"He's not you," I said. He looked at me. I could see it in his eyes that he was trying to find the right words to say.
"I don't know what to do. I'm trying to make things work with my ex... boyfriend... whatever."
"Don't call him that around me. It just hurts more because I know you're doing this whole thing out of guilt. What do you want me to do? Maghintay until maging okay yang situation na yan?!" I said trying to control my voice.
"I can't ask that of you. Even I don't know how this will all end."
"Yeah, and I'm not gonna put my life on hold for you," I said. "Are you happy with the situation you put yourself in? Kuntento ka na ba sa ganyan?!"
"Yeah. I have to be."
I lit a cigarette. So did he.
"Is that the lighter I gave you?" he asked referring to my red lighter.
"No. You never gave me one."
"Gusto mo palit tayo? I prefer a red lighter. You can have my blue one," he said handing it to me and taking the red one.
"Ano to? Peace offering? Parting gift? Memorabilia?" I asked sarcastically.
"Sira ulo. Hindi." he chuckled.
The night continued on with him and I just talking about random things. Catching up on each other's lives. The mood became lighter. It's like we were back to where we were before he vanished two months ago.
On the drive home, I was focused on the road. He was listening to music.
"You know what sucks the most?" I suddenly asked while Like Im Gonna Lose You played in the background. How apt.
"When you get out of my car, you're gonna go back to him and back to the illusion you're trying to live in while I end up back where I was two months ago after you disappeared."
He looked at me but did not say a word. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to scream bloody murder but I restrained myself.
When we got to his place, he gave me a hug. A tight one. He's never hugged me that way before. I tried to fight back my tears but to no avail. He looked at me and wiped the one tear that rolled down my cheek.
"Please stop. Don't cry over me. I don't deserve your tears."
I said nothing.
He grabbed his bag and opened the door of my car.
I could not look at him.
With one foot out of the car, he turned and looked at me and said, "I had fun tonight."
"Me too," I responded without looking at him.
He put his hand on my leg, gave it a squeeze and was out of the car.
I saw through my rear view mirror that he glanced back at me as I was driving away.

Note: I posted this on Facebook on May 14, 2016. May follow up 'to actually. I'm just not sure how to write it haha

Thursday, December 15, 2016

How Do I Unlove You?

How do I unlove you?

That’s a question I’ve asked myself many times. You were the one that got away and yet I still love you. I try my best not to say it out loud but keeping something like that bottled up inside can only go on for so long.

How do I unlove you?

It’s a question many people have asked themselves. The problem with love is that you can’t control it. The mind battles what the heart feels. Your mind can take over and you can convince yourself over and over again but there will always be that part of you, that voice telling you to do the opposite. Some people are lucky enough to be able to tune it out.

How do I unlove you?

In theory it should be easy. But it’s hard since I still see and talk to you every now and then. I tried avoiding you. I thought not seeing you would make me forget you but instead, it made me miss you. Seeing you with the dorky smile that complements your boyish charm makes my heart melt. But then I have to restrain myself. I have to grin and bare it while asking myself the same question again.

How do I unlove you?

My will is strong but my heart tries to pound loud enough to be heard. To be considered. To be vulnerable. In that moment of vulnerability, I think of you and what we could have been. But I’m not stupid enough to think that we would ever be together. What we had, fleeting as it was, was special and something I fondly look back on. I love you, that much is true, but it does not mean that I want to be with you. Just because I miss you does not mean that I want you back in my life. It’s just a part, a phase I have to go through to move on. Which is why I still keep asking myself, “how do I unlove you?

Adam's Note: I wrote this a few years ago for Matt when I was still in love with him. My feelings for him are long gone. I just thought it would be fun to post this for the benefit of those asking themselves how to unlove someone.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Why I (Kinda) Stopped Blogging

I remember a time when I would have 2 -3 posts a day. I remember when I had people reaching out to me to review their shit or ask for advice. Those days are long gone. Even my readers are gone, my blog and my musings are now a thing of the past for them and I'm not sure if they even remember reading the stuff I wrote.

I have myself to blame, really. I started posting everything online, my life became an open book to everyone who took the time to read it. Eventually, I wanted to be more private about my life and my relationships. The posts lessened from once a day to once a week until it back one post per month and eventually it dwindled to a couple of posts per year.

My fellow bloggers have also left the blogosphere, some of who I'm still connected with through social media. These bloggers who kept their anonymity now post photos of themselves out in the open because their blogs have ceased to exist. Their stories gone and with that their need to hide. The blogoshpere wasn't what is was when I, when we, were at our peak. Sure, there are those who managed to keep going but their posts have also declined. I won't be surprised if in a few years their own blogs would be gone.

But a part of me still yearns for it, a part of me misses the online world which is why I created my youtube channel. But it's not as easy as blogging. It entails more work on my part.

I stopped blogging because I lost my muse. I lost that spark in me that made me want to write and share everything about me. Many times I've tried to write. Many times I've tried to post and God know I have dozens of unfinished drafts in this blog. I do miss blogging, but I can't commit myself to do it the way I used to.

Maybe one day, someday, I'll be able to do it all over again...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Doctor Strange Trailer Reaction Video

Check out my latest Youtube video! Click subscribe for more videos :D


Thursday, March 10, 2016

Where The Voices Dwell

It's been a long time since I posted something here that isn't a video. It feels like a lifetime, to be honest.

The past few months have not been easy. There are so many things I've had to go through and I decided not to make any of them public. There was a time when I would write everything here. Every single thought, every single achievement... even my failures. But alas, those days are far behind me. Blogging my daily musings is behind me.

There are days when I don't even have the energy to get out of bed but I force myself to because a part of my believes that life isn't so bad and there are things worth getting out of bed for. I've become accustomed to fending for myself because I know that out there, in the real world, I have no one to count on but myself. I don't want to be a burden to the people around me so I try my best to do things on my own. I often keep everyone at arm's length because I've learned that letting people close enough would only spell heartbreak and sorrow for me. It's not something I do on purpose, it's a reflex of mine.

It's not healthiest way to deal with things, but it's the only way I know.

There are days when the voices in my head are so loud that I doubt myself and question my existence in this world. There are days when the world seems nothing but a blur and I just walk through life's highways with no idea where I'm supposed to go.

A part of me knows that it isn't so bad and there are those who have it worse than I do but sometimes, I can't help but feel like maybe I've had enough. Maybe I've been through so much that at this point that I deserve a break.

There are those around me who make life a little easier. They make me see the brighter side of things and help me get a good grip of reality when I feel myself losing touch of what's real and what's not. They're the ones who help me get out of bed every morning. They help drown out the voices that try so hard to consume my being. Half of me believes that they're the cure and can help fill the void that could swallow me whole any second. The other tells me that it's a band-aid at best.

It's a constant struggle trying to figure out what's real and what's not. Every morning, a question burns inside my head.

"Will things get better or is this the best it'll ever get?"