Saturday, April 22, 2017

STORYTIME: The Future Lawyer – Part II

“Tell me again why you two can’t be together?” asked my friend while she looked at me, one eyebrow raised as she took a puff from her cigarette.
“I..” I started, “I don’t know. The truth is, we go well together but I don’t think he’s ready or he wants it as much as I do. I mean, after I broke up with my last ex, he had every chance to start something with me. To pick up where we left off. Considering how much time we spent together, the topic never came up. But then again, neither one of us brought it up.”
“Maybe he was waiting,” she said.
“Maybe. I don’t know… or maybe there really was nothing left from before.”
“So tell me what happened the other day,” she asked.
I started telling her the story of how he called me up at around dinner time but I missed his call and only got back to him a few hours later.
“You called?” I texted him.
“Yeah. You didn’t pick up. Where are you?” was his reply.
“I was having dinner. I’m home why?”
“You wanna hang out?”
“Now? Uhhm… sure why not. I can only stay out for an hour though.”
“Okay wait I’ll get ready.”
“Actually you know what, it’s almost 2am and you take forever. I’m free tomorrow night if you want.”
He replied and told me that he was ready and asked me to meet him at the gas station near his place.
I thought about it for a minute and replied, “Okay fine. I’m on my way. I need to gas up anyway.”
I took my keys and drove to the gas station and there he was standing at the side. He was wearing a wife beater and those ridiculously short shorts he insists on wearing. I refer to them as his booty shorts, a term he eventually embraced.
He got in my car and I knew immediately where to go. It was the place he once said “would always be our place”. It’s where we always go because it’s close to our neighborhood and it’s open 24 hours.
We got settled in and he went to get a drink. I lit a cigarette.
“So what’s new?” he asked.
I told him about this thing that’s been upsetting me the past few days. He listened.
I pulled another cigarette from my pack but before I could light it, he grabbed my wrist and said, “Stop it! Are you trying to kill yourself?!”
I pulled away and smiled. I lit the cigarette.
"Oh, Happy Anniversary!" he said.
I gave him a questioning look.
"It's been a year," he said.
"Oh right. It's been a year since you disappeared for two months without so much as a goodbye," I answered with a smile.
"Actually, our anniversary was after I disappeared for two months," he said with a sheepish smile.
We started talking about the most mundane of things. It’s what we do when we hang out. We could keep talking the whole night and just get lost in the moment. We’d share the most trivial of stories and all we needed were a pack of cigarettes and something to drink. There are times when we’d realize that we’ve been talking for hours and the sun will be up in an hour.
Midway through whatever we were talking about, he stopped and looked at me.
“Stop looking so sad,” he suddenly said.
“I’m not sad. I have work later and I had work earlier. I’m just tired.”
“No. I can see it in your eyes. I can see how sad you are,” was his response.
I didn't answer.
About 30 minutes later, I called it a night and said we should get going. While in the car, we were listening to music. He played True Colors and said that was his song for me. We were both quiet the rest of the ride.
A few blocks away from his house, I broke the silence.
“Hey, remember a few weeks ago when you didn’t hear from me for a while?” I asked.
“You wanna know why I did that?”
“No. Wait... yes. I wanna know,” he replied.
“Is your default reply to everything ‘No’?” I asked with a laugh. “It’s because I wanted you to miss me.”
That’s the answer I gave him. But it was only half true. You see, there was a time when I stopped replying to his texts and stopped picking up the phone because at that time I felt like he only called me when he was bored. I felt like I was his back up when none of his other friends wanted to deal with him. So it’s true that I wanted him to miss me but I also wanted to feel like I meant something to him.
“So did it work? Your plan?” he asked.
“I don’t know. We don’t talk about things like that remember?” I replied.
“Yeah. Why should we?”
I pulled up a block away from the gate he takes to get to their place. Now whenever I drive him home, he gives me a hug before he gets out of the car.
He leaned in as he always does. But this time it wasn’t for a hug. Before I knew it, I felt his lips on mine.
What lasted for a few seconds felt much longer. He pulled away and got out of my card before I could say anything. I looked at my rear view mirror and there he was running towards the direction of his house.
I drove off.
A few minutes later, I heard my phone beep. I knew it was him.
“I’ll just read it when I get home,” I told myself.
“Sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry,” his text read.
“It’s fine. You were probably just trying to cheer me up,” I replied.
“Right,” was his only reply.
I barely slept that night. There were dozens of questions running through my head. Why did he do that? Did it mean something? Were we just caught in some weird moment?
In my sleepless state, I managed to drag myself to work that day. When I got to work I tried calling him. No answer. I told myself that he was probably still asleep.
No texts from him the whole day.
I tried calling again at around 7:00p. No answer.
The next day, I tried calling him at around noon. I also sent a few texts. He still wasn’t picking up or replying. I knew something was up. I knew that he’d be at church later in the evening so I figured I’d drop by and talk to him to clear things. If that kiss didn’t mean anything, then we can just forget about it and put it behind us.
I ended up waiting for two and half hours before he finally came out of church. He was with a bunch of people. I was standing outside smoking. There he was, roughly 8 feet away from me. I texted him to let him know I was there. His phone was in his hand most of the time. He still didn’t reply.
Right then it hit me. He had no plans of talking to me. I started walking to my car.
On the drive home, there was only one thing running through my head. I can’t believe he did this to me. Again.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

The Letter I Sent Matt in 2015

Dear You,

When I first met you, we hit it off. We clicked. Over time, I developed feelings for you, feelings I made you aware of. You made it clear what you felt about me, you called it my edge, but you were also clear in saying that you and I could never be because we both want different things.
But that never stopped me from loving you. This love, however, ate me from the inside. I could never love anyone else wholly because a huge part of me loved you. I was and still am miserable because of that.
Love, that one word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you. Even when people roll their eyes at you and think you’re crazy, it doesn’t stop you from loving that person. The thing is, I love everything about you. I truly do. From your brown eyes, to your sharp wit that you use to make jokes at my expense. When you smile from ear to ear, it makes my heart melt and wish that I never do anything to wipe that smile off your face.
Everytime I look at you, it hurts. I die a little inside every single time because I am reminded that I could never be with you. You never even gave me a chance to love you. You didn’t give me enough time to show you that I can make you happy. That I was what you needed.
I kept this blog as a way to remind myself why I shouldn’t love you. It was my secret journal. Mababaliw na kasi ako dahil wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko.
You have a hold on my heart that I could not break even if I wanted to and there have been times that I wanted to. It’s overwhelming and painful at times but I could not stop loving you more that I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly and irretrievably in love with you.
Hindi ka naman kasi mahirap mahalin. I know you can be sweet. I know you can be caring once you put down those walls you’ve worked so hard to build around yourself. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt a part of it. Which is what makes me so certain. So I know, from first-hand experience, na hindi ka mahirap mahalin. Pero ang sakit sakit mong mahalin.
Not talking to you, not seeing you… it helped. Quitting you cold turkey was all I needed but it wasn’t easy by any means. There were days when I wanted to talk to you. There were days when I wanted to see you. But I knew it wouldn’t happen. For days on end I would keep telling myself that you’re gonna call me or message me. But that never happened.
Took me several years but I finally accept the fact that you and I will never together. There will never be an ‘us’. Not even as friends. I see how you treat your friends and I would never be part of that. You would never give me that courtesy. You’re there when they need you. You find time for them. I have to beg you for 10 minutes of your time. Pathetic, I know pero kasalanan ko naman eh. I fell in love with you kahit na sinabihan mo na ako noon na huwag kong gagawin yun. Pero wala, minahal kita and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. But I have to stop at some point and move on with my life free of you.
Maybe one day I’ll get over you. I hope I do. But I know that I will forever look back at what could have been. This is why I have to cut myself from you because I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. Let me waddle in the pool of my own misery. I put myself in it to begin with. Time may heal whatever wounds I have inside but the scars will always be there.
I wish you find that which your heart desires. Like what I always say, I know you’ll do great in whatever it is you choose to do. You may not hear from me, you may not see me but I will silently cheer for your victories and continue loving you from a distance.
We had chemistry. Timing is all we needed. Sucks for me, I feel in love with the right person at the wrong time. Timing is a bitch.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Paano Mag Move On?

"Paano ka mag move on? Paano mo alam na okay ka na?"

Yan ang madalas na tinatanong sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko. They know how I handle breakups. Dalawa lang kasi yan eh. It's either magdradrama ako to the highest level, which means matagal bago ako makapagmove on, or maihi lang ako at okay na ako ulit. O diba? Walang grey area.

Ganun talaga eh, there are some people na mas matimbang (in a way) kaya mas masakit pag nawala sila. But the million dollar question is, paano nga ba mag move on? Magbibigay ako ng example based from my own personal heartbreak(s).

Sa lahat ng mga minahal ko noon (oh my God, how cliche), dalawa lang ang iniyakan at drinamahan ko ng severe. Yung eksenang may walling, may paghatak sa mga kurtina, yung tipong umiiyak ka habang sinisigaw ang "Ayoko na! Ang sakit sakit naaaaa!". It was my first boyfriend, who we will call Phil, and si Matt. Sila lang talaga ang nakapagpalabas ng soap opera moment ko. So far :).

Si Phil, tatlong buwan na araw araw akong umiiyak. Yung tipong naglalakad ako sa school tapos maaalala ko siya tapos marerealize ko na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko kaya tatakbo ako papuntang CR at magkukulong sa cubicle habang tahimik na umiiyak. Of course, may kasamang walling ito kung malinis yung CR. Siguro nasa mga 4 years bago ako tuluyang nakamove on. True story.

Si Matt naman, walang masyadong iyakan na naganap. Pero everytime na umiyak ako, masakit. May halong kirot. Minahal ko siya ng bongga eh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit, hindi naman naging kami. Hindi kasi pwedeng maging kami dahil may sagabal sa kaligayahan. Pero wala, minahal ko yung kumag na yun eh. Sa kanya naman, mga 3 years bago ako nakamove on. O diba ang tatagal? Pero paano ko nga ba narealize na nakamove on na ako?

I knew someone who was once in the same boat as I was. Ang dakilang writer at idol ko na si Bookie. I asked him how to get over Matt. His advice didn't make much sense at that time but eventually it did. Ang sabi niya, 'just ride the emotions. All you need is time.' I understood where he was coming from but I just couldn't see how time would make things better.

But now I can say that he was right. Time is all you need. It's what we all need. Some people choose to distract themselves or create crutches rather than facing the reality that they will have to move on at some point. Instead na hintayin na magsubside ang feelings, pipiliin nilang ikain ang feelings nila or idate at ikama lahat ng lumapit sa kanila. I know because I tried that. I've been there.

Eventually, I decided to just ride the waves of whatever emotion I was feeling and one day I realized na okay na ako. Seryoso.

Totoo pala talaga yang time heals all wounds keme na yan.

So ngayong panahon ng mga puso, I know maraming tulad ko na single dyan. Yung iba happy, yung iba trying to be happy, yung iba bitter, yung iba wapakels. Pero meron din kasi yung mga umaasa pa. Ang masasabi ko lang, kung sa tingin mo kaya pa, sige kapit ka pa ng konti pero dapat alam mo rin pag oras nang bumitiw. Sabi nga ni Inang Elsa, Let It Go.

Hindi ka makakapagmove on kung hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mo na mag move on. You cannot keep clinging onto the past. Hindi mo ikakaganda ang pagiging martyr. Hindi ka papatayuan ng rebulto just because you choose to keep waiting for something that may never happen. Haggard, bes.

Mahirap mag move on, oo totoo yan. Pero kaya mo yan. I believe in you. Give yourself time kasi yang sakit at hinagpis na pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, may expiration date yan. Parang yung lata ng spam na nasa kusina na ayaw mong buksan kasi namamahalan ka and para lang dapat sa special occasion. Mageexpire yan. I swear. Mamatay man yung kapitbahay ko. Hintay hintay ka lang dyan.

One day you'll wake up and realize na okay ka na. Ganern.

Happy Valentines day to all of you.


Sunday, January 15, 2017

STORYTIME: The Future Lawyer

I was in the middle of something when my phone rang. I picked it up to see who it was. 
It was his name. 
After two months of not hearing from him, I was surprised to see his name appear on my phone. 
I answered the call.
"Buhay ka pa pala?" I greeted him.
"Grabe ka naman."
"Do not even!" I answered.
"I'm somewhere near, do you want to talk in person?"
"I want to explain. It's a long story"
It took me a few seconds to respond but those few seconds felt like an eternity.
"Sure. Meet me where we usually hang out."
I ended the call and got dressed. I grabbed my keys and drove off. When I arrived at the place, there he was wearing an orange and navy blue stripped shirt. Hair perfectly quaffed. He usually wears glasses but this time he didn't have them on.
We found a spot where we could have some privacy and got seated.
"So what happened? What the hell (name I cannot post)?!" I asked, my voice slightly shaking.
"He and I are back together. He's not in the best shape and I feel guilty because it's my fault. Kinausap ako ng mom niya na kung pwedeng balikan ko muna siya."
"That is bullshit! Do you have any idea what I've been through the past two months? The nights I spent thinking what I did wrong? You left without a trace, without so much as a goodbye."
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's a very complicated situation I'm in right now."
He wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Did you even consider my feelings in any of this?" I asked.
"I wanted to talk to you, I just didn't have the..."
"Subukan mong sabihing 'time'. Subukan mo lang," I warned,
"...opportunity" he said with a sheepish smile.
That smile of his always got me. Seeing it calmed me down a bit.
"Does he know that you're here?" I asked.
"No. Ang alam niya kasama ko friends ko and I asked one of them to cover for me."
The waiter arrived with our order. He and I fell silent. We waited for the waiter to leave. I looked at him and I could tell that the stress of the whole situation was taking its toll on him.
I took a sip from my glass.
"So what now? Where do we go from here?" I asked.
"I don't know," he answered. "Have you tried dating someone else?"
"I have, but..."
"But what?" he asked.
"He's not you," I said. He looked at me. I could see it in his eyes that he was trying to find the right words to say.
"I don't know what to do. I'm trying to make things work with my ex... boyfriend... whatever."
"Don't call him that around me. It just hurts more because I know you're doing this whole thing out of guilt. What do you want me to do? Maghintay until maging okay yang situation na yan?!" I said trying to control my voice.
"I can't ask that of you. Even I don't know how this will all end."
"Yeah, and I'm not gonna put my life on hold for you," I said. "Are you happy with the situation you put yourself in? Kuntento ka na ba sa ganyan?!"
"Yeah. I have to be."
I lit a cigarette. So did he.
"Is that the lighter I gave you?" he asked referring to my red lighter.
"No. You never gave me one."
"Gusto mo palit tayo? I prefer a red lighter. You can have my blue one," he said handing it to me and taking the red one.
"Ano to? Peace offering? Parting gift? Memorabilia?" I asked sarcastically.
"Sira ulo. Hindi." he chuckled.
The night continued on with him and I just talking about random things. Catching up on each other's lives. The mood became lighter. It's like we were back to where we were before he vanished two months ago.
On the drive home, I was focused on the road. He was listening to music.
"You know what sucks the most?" I suddenly asked while Like Im Gonna Lose You played in the background. How apt.
"When you get out of my car, you're gonna go back to him and back to the illusion you're trying to live in while I end up back where I was two months ago after you disappeared."
He looked at me but did not say a word. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to scream bloody murder but I restrained myself.
When we got to his place, he gave me a hug. A tight one. He's never hugged me that way before. I tried to fight back my tears but to no avail. He looked at me and wiped the one tear that rolled down my cheek.
"Please stop. Don't cry over me. I don't deserve your tears."
I said nothing.
He grabbed his bag and opened the door of my car.
I could not look at him.
With one foot out of the car, he turned and looked at me and said, "I had fun tonight."
"Me too," I responded without looking at him.
He put his hand on my leg, gave it a squeeze and was out of the car.
I saw through my rear view mirror that he glanced back at me as I was driving away.

Note: I posted this on Facebook on May 14, 2016. May follow up 'to actually. I'm just not sure how to write it haha

Thursday, December 15, 2016

How Do I Unlove You?

How do I unlove you?

That’s a question I’ve asked myself many times. You were the one that got away and yet I still love you. I try my best not to say it out loud but keeping something like that bottled up inside can only go on for so long.

How do I unlove you?

It’s a question many people have asked themselves. The problem with love is that you can’t control it. The mind battles what the heart feels. Your mind can take over and you can convince yourself over and over again but there will always be that part of you, that voice telling you to do the opposite. Some people are lucky enough to be able to tune it out.

How do I unlove you?

In theory it should be easy. But it’s hard since I still see and talk to you every now and then. I tried avoiding you. I thought not seeing you would make me forget you but instead, it made me miss you. Seeing you with the dorky smile that complements your boyish charm makes my heart melt. But then I have to restrain myself. I have to grin and bare it while asking myself the same question again.

How do I unlove you?

My will is strong but my heart tries to pound loud enough to be heard. To be considered. To be vulnerable. In that moment of vulnerability, I think of you and what we could have been. But I’m not stupid enough to think that we would ever be together. What we had, fleeting as it was, was special and something I fondly look back on. I love you, that much is true, but it does not mean that I want to be with you. Just because I miss you does not mean that I want you back in my life. It’s just a part, a phase I have to go through to move on. Which is why I still keep asking myself, “how do I unlove you?

Adam's Note: I wrote this a few years ago for Matt when I was still in love with him. My feelings for him are long gone. I just thought it would be fun to post this for the benefit of those asking themselves how to unlove someone.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Why I (Kinda) Stopped Blogging

I remember a time when I would have 2 -3 posts a day. I remember when I had people reaching out to me to review their shit or ask for advice. Those days are long gone. Even my readers are gone, my blog and my musings are now a thing of the past for them and I'm not sure if they even remember reading the stuff I wrote.

I have myself to blame, really. I started posting everything online, my life became an open book to everyone who took the time to read it. Eventually, I wanted to be more private about my life and my relationships. The posts lessened from once a day to once a week until it back one post per month and eventually it dwindled to a couple of posts per year.

My fellow bloggers have also left the blogosphere, some of who I'm still connected with through social media. These bloggers who kept their anonymity now post photos of themselves out in the open because their blogs have ceased to exist. Their stories gone and with that their need to hide. The blogoshpere wasn't what is was when I, when we, were at our peak. Sure, there are those who managed to keep going but their posts have also declined. I won't be surprised if in a few years their own blogs would be gone.

But a part of me still yearns for it, a part of me misses the online world which is why I created my youtube channel. But it's not as easy as blogging. It entails more work on my part.

I stopped blogging because I lost my muse. I lost that spark in me that made me want to write and share everything about me. Many times I've tried to write. Many times I've tried to post and God know I have dozens of unfinished drafts in this blog. I do miss blogging, but I can't commit myself to do it the way I used to.

Maybe one day, someday, I'll be able to do it all over again...

Thursday, October 13, 2016

National Coming Out Month | Being Gay at Work

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Doctor Strange Trailer Reaction Video

Check out my latest Youtube video! Click subscribe for more videos :D