In The Moment

Saturday.

I was at home and I had just arrived from work.

My phone started ringing.

"Hey what's up?" I answered.

"Hey! Nothing much. Im on my way to the gym. Are you at home?"

"Yeah."

"Dont you have choir practice tonight?"

"We do but it's raining and I dont wanna get wet plus Im not really in the mood to go out"

"Have you had dinner?" he asked.

"Not yet. Im not hungry."

"Alright. Im gonna go work out muna. Talk to you later."

"Alright. Later."

After about 30 minutes, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when I heard someone ringing my doorbell.

I went out to see who it was. It was a guy holding an umbrella.

"Hey it's me!" the man said.

That's when I realized who it was.

It was him. I was surprised. I thought he was at the gym.

I honestly thought he was at the gym.

I opened the gate and I saw that he had  few plastic bags with him.

He bought ice cream, the good kind. Shawarma and a few bags of chips.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were at the gym." I asked.

The answer he gave me was one I will never forget.

"I'm just living in the moment." he answered giving me a smile.

* * * *

We were in bed, watching Tangled and eating the ice cream he brought.

"Hey I have a question. Are you dating anyone else?" he asked.

"No not really. Why?" I asked.

"Well I just want to let you know that Im no longer going to entertain others. I was wondering if you could do the same." 

I fell silent.

"But if you wanna go out on dates, it fine with me. I understand. Just don't kiss or sleep with them.", he added.

"I'm not dating anyone else. Just you. So you want us to date exclusively?"

"Yeah. What about Matt? How come that didn't work out?" he asked.

"He has issues. Issues I dont wanna deal with." I answered.

"Good. Good for me." 

He hugged me really tight. 

"There's something about the way you hug me that makes me feel safe" he whispered.

I hugged him back.

"You smell really good." he suddenly said.

I laughed.

There we were in my bed watching Tangled.

"Now this is a Saturday night." he said.

I smiled, and hugged him.

Isang Gabi Sa Eastwood

"Let me know when you're here" sabi ko.

I was waiting for him because he was going to pick me up at the office.

After about 20 minutes my phone beeped.

"Im here at Centris. Where are you?" he texted.

"On my way out, meet me outside the building." I replied.

I rode the elevator going down. Got out of the building. Looked around.

There he was.

He was wearing a blue long sleeve polo and slacks. He obviously just came from work.

He looked really cute.

We walked to his car.

"What are we gonna watch?" he asked.

"Uhhm...Mirror Mirror?"

"Sounds great. But lets have dinner first because I'm starving." he answered.

"Sure but let's buy tickets first so we could get good seats"

Sa Eastwood kami pupunta. On the way there, we were chatting in his car.

It was our first date. We were in the stage of getting to know each other.

Oh diba?

When we got to Eastwood, he parked his car. We bought the tickets then went to Cyma for dinner.

He wanted Greek food and so did I.

I must admit I was nervous. I haven't been on a date in a long time.

Everything felt so new to me.

We were talking about everything under the sun.

He was very charming.

I was mesmerized by his geeky-boy-next-door looks and his sharp wit.

I was interested. He seemed interested too. I wasn't sure though.

"Next time we go out..." he said.

"So there's gonna be a next time?" I asked cutting him off.

"Well... I'd like to go out with you again" he answered then smiled.

I smiled back.

Things were going really well.

* * * *

While watching the movie, I was trying to focus but I couldn't.

"Wolf looks cute" he said referring to one of the characters in the movie.

"I know. But I'm cuter..." I answered.

He laughed and he suddenly grabbed my hand.

I was surprised but in a very good way.

He held my hand until the movie ended.

We walked around Eastwood for a bit until we realized how late it was.

We returned to his car.

He started the car but since we parked in the 4th level basement, it felt like a furnace so he wanted the car to  cool down first.

His hand was by the gear shift.

"You're suppose to hold my hand..." he said. Nahihiya pa siya nung sinabi niya yun.

I took his hand in mine and there in his car we sat.

Things fell silent.

He was stealing glances from me. Hindi siya mapakali for some reason. 

"So we're gonna hold hands the entire evening?" I jokingly said.

"Well we could..." he said but stopped before he could finish what he was saying.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing" he answered. He had that nahihiya look again.

There was silence for about a minute.

I decided to make the first move.

"Oh for God's sake!" I said.

I grabbed his collar, pulled him in and kissed him on the lips.

He kissed me back.

When Left Unsupervised

So this is what happens when we are left unsupervised at work.

When Bongga realized what were doing, eto ang sinabi niya.

"Nagpicture kayo? Leche! Hindi niyo manlang ako hinintay!"

O diba? Dedma siya na hinatak ko ang isang trainer niya para sabayan ang kabaliwan ko.

By the way dear readers, meet Rima. I'm sure you'll be seeing her in my future posts. In fairness, galing kumanta ng babaeng to.

Gospel Choir Outing in Pangasinan

As most of my friends and readers know, I am part of the choir in our local church. As an annual thing, the choir has thing outing/team building thing. This year, it was in Dasol, Pangasinan.

I can't remember the name of the resort but it was nice. It's not really a fancy high class resort but it was good enough. In fairness, ganda nung beach. White sand and the water was crystal clear.

The point of the outing is for the team to get together for two days, make new friends, get to know the new members and discuss the issues of the choir.

We had several activities. Being the person I am, I actually enjoyed the activities even if most of them involved religion and catholic church stuff.

After the activities, there was this open forum thing. I think they call it "Formation". I have no idea. The old members discussed the issues within the choir. I swear to God, this choir has A LOT of issues.

I cannot, for the life of me, believe how some of them manage to call each other friends and be chummy with one another when they actually harbor feelings of resentment towards others.

I think medyo naayos naman ata nila mga issues nila. I don't know and don't care. Issues nila yan and those are issues before I even joined the choir so basta hindi ako idamay, I could care less.

After the Formation thing, we all went by the beach and lit up some paper lanterns. Apparently you're supposed to say a prayer before letting the lantern fly. So I prayed. Yes dear readers, nagdasal ako!

After the lantern thing, since it was around 2 in the morning, the others went in to shower and go to bed. I stayed by the beach with my friends and of course, since I was by the beach, I firedanced!

It took us about 8 hours to get there because we had to stop by Alaminos to buy food in the market. I must say, I enjoyed the outing. 

I realized who to trust within the choir and who to consider as friends. 

Funny story though, the owner of the resort is apparently a friend of my dad's family. All I did was ask how to switch on the light in the kitchen and next thing you know, the owner was asking me where I was from and how come I spoke Ilokano fluently. I told her where my mom and dad was from. 

When I told her my last name thats when she realized who I was. Apparently, we already met when I was about 4 or 5 years old. She's really good friends with my grandma and grandpa.

Such a small small world.

I enjoyed the outing. Became closer to God and all that shit.

Can you believe it dear readers?

The Priest and I

"So kamusta ang usapan ninyo ni Father?" tanong ni Cora.

"It was very enlightening." sagot ko.

"Really? Aba parang naiintriga ako sa enlightening na yan."

Sumindi ako ng yosi.

Nag umpisa ako magkwento.

* * * * 

"Gaano ka na katagal dito sa choir?" tanong ni Father.

Nasa garahe kami ng bahay niya na nasa tabi ng simbahan. Katatapos lang Sunday Mass.

"Member po ako nung 2000 hanggang 2002 pero tumira po ako sa Baguio ng ilang taon. April 2010 I came back here to start working tapos nung January po sumali ako ulit sa choir."

"Ah ok. Kamusta naman ang choir?"

"Okay naman po Father. Mababait sila. Nakakatuwa silang kasama." sagot ko.

Napangiti si Father.

"Ano naman ang gumugulo sayo?" tanong niya.

"I have no faith in the church."

"Why?"

"Well...uhhm..." I was trying to choose my words. "First Father, I'm gay. I have no faith in the church kasi sinasabi ng catholic church na immoral ako. Na masama kami."

He was looking at me but for some reason I could not see any judgement or disappointment in his eyes.

"Sa totoo lang Father, when I was living in Baguio, I used to serve in one of the church's there. I was very active. When I realized that I might be gay, I went to our priest for guidance. Nagulat ako kasi sinabi niya..."

"That you will be damned? Na kailangan labanan mo?" he asked, cutting me off.

"Yes po. I was hurt because I looked up to our priest. I had such high respect for him."

"Eto ang masasabi ko ah. Ako, I am not here to judge. I cannot give you the stamp of approval from the catholic church kasi wala pa naman ako sa ganun kataas na posisyon. I'm not also here to tolerate you should you exhibit any acts that would be lewd or obscene but I am not here to judge you."

I was surprised by his words. I remained silent while he spoke.

"As you might have noticed, I am a bit unorthodox when it comes to my sermons and teachings. It is because I believe pare-pareho tayo sa mata ng diyos. I cannot judge you, only God can. What I can do is accept you for who you are because that was not your choice. You were born that way."

Still I remained silent. It felt surreal. Was I really hearing this from our priest?

"Mabuti nga ngayon mas maluwag na. I mean, a lot of people still discriminate towards the LGBT community but compared before, medyo mas okay na ngayon although there's still a long way to go. Who knows? Maybe after 50 years or more, people would be more open minded. Basta ang importante, you become a role model for society. Wala kang sinasaktan. Wala kang tinatapakan. Also, kailangan alagaan mo ang sarili mo because people will take advantage of you because they see that as your weakness so never let them take advantage of you."

"Yes po Father." I answered.

"Pati naman diyan sa choir, I know that there are a lot who are gay. Wala naman akong problema sa kanila kasi mababait naman sila although merong ilan na pasaway. Just remember to always be a decent member of society and remember that only God can judge you. Not I, not anyone else."

I was in utter disbelief. Here I was in front of a man serving the church I have loathed for the longest time and yet this man was telling me that he accepts me.

Before I left, our priest said something that really struck me. It was something I most likely will never forget.

"Eto ang tandaan mo, when we die, God will not ask you if you are gay or straight. He will ask you, what good deeds did you do for the world."

* * * * 

"Ibang klase si Father no?" tanong ni Cora.

"Oo nga eh. Hindi ako makapaniwala." sagot ko.

Before she could say something, dumating ang isang kasama namin sa choir so we had to drop to topic.

You see, Cora and our Priest may know that I'm gay, but the rest of the choir does not.

Soon they will. Soon.

Me Was Intoxicated

"You're crazy." Matt said over the phone.

"No I'm not." I answered slurring my words a bit.

"Wait... are you drunk?"

"Noooo... Well... I had a drink but I'm not drunk."

"So you're intoxicated?"

"Yep." I answered laughing.

Me being in the uninhibited state that I was, I wouldn't stop talking.

Kwento ako ng kwento sa kanya.

He was laughing at me.

"Alright it's time for you to rest." he said.

"No! I'm still talking to you... I like hearing your voice." I answered. Naglalambing ako sa kanya.

"Go close the lights in your terrace and close the door."

"I dont wanna."

He laughed.

"Go on. You need to rest plus it's getting late. Also, close the lights in your room narin."

"I dont wannaaaaaa. I'm scared of the dark plus I'm alone."

"No you're not. I'm right beside you." he answered.

"No you're not. There's no one beside me."

"Well close you eyes and imagine that I'm right beside you."

I fell silent. He's never said that to me.

"Go on close the lights na." he said.

"Alright. Fine."

I closed the lights in my terrace and locked the screen door.

"Now close your eyes."

"Alright. If I had magic powers, I'd teleport you here every night."

"I'd really like that." he answered.

There was a moment of silence. I was kinnda sleepy already.

He started singing all of a sudden.

It was my favorite song.

He reached the second chorus.

"I'd sooner buy...defying gravity... I think I'll try defying gravity..." he sang.

"It's kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity" I corrected him.

"Close your eyes and go to sleep you crazy man."

That's when I realized that he was singing me to sleep.

Took me long enough to realize it.

I was a bit surprised.

He sang another song I also liked.

I was falling asleep.

He finished the other song.

He fell silent for a few seconds.

"Goodnight... hug...hug..." he suddenly said.

I smiled.

He didn't drop the line.

He just stayed on until he eventually fell asleep.

I fell asleep as well.

With a smile on my face because someone tried singing me to sleep.

Something no one has ever done to me.

New Project

Seeing as how bland my walls look, I decided to start a small project to put more life into my room. Two months ago.

It's only now that I actually found the time to do it. Alright, half true. I was also too lazy to start doing it.

But, I finally did.

Since buying 3 dozens picture frames is out of the question, what with not knowing where to put them in my room, I decided to buy a big cork board, mount it up against the wall where my desktop is and fill it with pictures and a few other things.

So it's basically, pictures of my friends, things I like/ have something to do with me, and places I've been to.

When I was done putting all the pictures in, I was reminiscing. The pictures brought back a lot of good memories I've had with my friends.

The one thing that really annoyed me though was, while looking at the pictures, I realized how thin I looked in all of them.

Kaasar lang.

Pancakes and Popcorn

Ring... Ring... Ring...

"Halooo", ang malanding bati sa phone ng friend kong si Cora.

"San ka?"

"Dito sa bahay. Why?"

"Wala lang. Punta ka dito sa bahay. Im bored. Tambay ka dito. I'll make pancakes para merienda natin." sagot ko.

"Ok give me 20 minutes kasi maliligo pa ako."

To think, Cora lives just about a block away from my house, it took her almost an hour to get there. Nakapagprepare na ako. Nakabili na ako ng ingredients, nalinis ko na ang garage ko, naihalo ko narin yung pancake mix, saka palang siya dumating.

Lumagpas daw kasi siya. She never seems to remember where my house is.

"May microwave ka diba?"

"Oo ayun o." sagot ko sabay turo sa microwave. "Bakit ba?"

"May dala akong popcorn" sagot niya sabay tawa.

Pumunta ako sa kusina para magluto. Nang matapos ako, dinala namin ang food at drinks sa veranda ng kwarto ko. Mas maganda dun eh, at least open air. Al fresco ang peg.

Cora is actually my choirmate. The moment we met, magaan agad loob ko sa kanya. She was very sweet and funny at nasasakyan niya jokes ko. In the entire choir, there's only about 2 or 3 people who know that I'm gay.

I haven't gone back in the closet. I just want to see their reaction when they find out hahaha. Besides, I don't think it'll be an issue since there are a lot of gay guys in the choir.

Anyway, back to the veranda.

Nagkwekwentuhan lang kami when we started talking about how we deal with anger.

I told her that when I'm mad, I like breaking things. It's my form of release. She on the other hand wants to be taken seriously when she's mad.

"Lalo akong nagagalit pag yung tipong mainit na nga ulo ko eh magjojoke ka pa." sabi niya.

She said that she wants to change that about her.

I immediately interjected and told her not to.

"That's who you are. Why would you change it? That's who you are. Would it make you feel better kung babaguhin mo yan?"

"Siguro", sabi niya.

"Siguro is not good enough. Are you trying to change kasi it will help you? Or do you want to change kasi iniisip mo ang sasabihin ng iba?"

"Gusto kong baguhin yung ugali ko para sa sarili ko. Eh kung ganun ako pag mainit ang ulo, anong sasabihin ng iba? Pano ko makukuha yung respect--"

"See that's my point. You're not doing it for yourself. You're doing it for others." I said, cutting her off.

Bigla siyang natahimik at tumingin lang sa akin. Me, being the tactless person that I am, would not shut up.

"You say na gusto mo makuha respeto ng mga taga church? Always remember, respect is earned not imposed." sabi ko.

"Eh bakit si ano, tignan mo siya hindi siya nirerespeto."

"Magkaiba kayong dalawa. Unang-una, siya eh kilala na bilang ganun. Eh ikaw, lagi ka bang nagagalit?"

"Hindi." sagot niya agad.

"O yun naman pala eh. Wag mong i-compare ang sarili mo sa kanya. Siya, hindi siya nirerespeto kasi hindi niya binigyan ang iba ng dahilan para respetuhin siya. Ikaw, you have their respect kasi you earned it. May respeto sila sayo. They look up to you."

Natahimik siya ulit.

"Alam mo, you should change for yourself because it will help you. Never change who you are just because of what others might say or think. You cannot please everybody. Kung hindi ka nila maintindihan, then fine. They don't deserve you. Look for another group that will. Sa dami ng tao sa mundong 'to, there are and will always be people who would love you just the way you are." dagdag ko.

Tahimik parin siya.

"Am I making any sense to you?" tanong ko. I was a bit worried that I may have overstepped my boundaries.

"Oo. Alam mo, hindi ko naisip na ganyan ka pala ka-mature mag-isip."

"Ha?!"

"Kasi pag nasa church tayo sobrang tahimik mo lang."

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. She said that I made a lot of sense. Pero natawa ako kasi sabi niya tahimik daw ako pag nasa church.

Imagine dear readers, there are moments in my life pala when I can actually keep quiet for a sustainable amount of time.

Asya

It was a hot Tuesday evening.

I was at Asya which is located just beside our office with a friend of mine.

Let's call him Douglas.

I met Douglas a few weeks ago in this event I attended called The Love Yourself Cafe. We were in the same group.

When we got to talking, we clicked.

We were supposed to have lunch earlier but he had some stuff to do so he asked if we could just meet for dinner. I agreed.

Over dinner, food was very disappointing by the way, we talked about our past relationships and relationships in general.

"It's hard kasi pag sa situation natin eh." he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Kasi we can't get married. We can't have kids. There's nothing to hold or actually bind the relationship together. Walang assurance."

This struck a nerve a bit. It's not the first time I've heard him say this. It's just that the first time, I was to shy to share my thoughts since we just met noon. Baka ma-offend ko.

"I actually have to disagree with you on that one." I blurted out.

He looked at me. There was this questioning look on his face.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I don't believe that not having a kid should be an issue. Why? Mga gays lang ba ang hindi pwedeng magka-anak? What about the straight couples who can't have kids kasi they're sterile or something? They adopt and they love the child as if it were their own flesh and blood. That keeps their marriage together, it's makes their relationship stronger. Just because we're gay, it doesn't mean we can't have kids. There's surrogacy or adoption. And so what if we can't legally get married? Marriage is over rated. One should not need a huge ceremony to proclaim their love. That's not how it works. Don't use the reason na we can't have kids. It's not a valid excuse."

I just couldn't help myself. I had to open my big mouth.

"Alam mo..." he said before pausing for a second. I was worried he might start arguing with me. "You have a point. A really good one."

I was stunned.

"So did I actually change your view on the whole thing?", I asked.

"Yes. Yes you did." he answered with a smile.

I was surprised. Normally when I open my mouth and share my thoughts, people get annoyed since it's contrary to what they believe in.

"Well... isn't that something..."

"You know what?", he asked.

"What?"

"I'm older than you pero mas mature ka pa mag-isip kesa sa akin."

Natawa kaming dalawa.

"Don't be fooled. I normally have the emotional stability and attention span of a 10 year old." I answered.

Natawa ulit kaming dalawa.

Bloom and Glow

"Alam mo mukhang masaya ka talaga," sabi ng friend ko na si Mariah.

Nasa smoking area kami after shift.

"I guess."

"Mabuti naman. Natutuwa ako at nakikita kitang ganyan. Iba eh. Hindi pa kitang nakikita na ganyan kasaya."

"Bakit naman?" tanong ko.

"Basta. Iba yung saya mo na nakikita ko."

"Bakit nung kami ba nung ex ko eh hindi ba ako ganito?"

"Hindi." sagot niya nang walang pagaalinlangan. "Kasi pag lumalapit ka sa akin noon puro masamang balita dala mo. Either may ginawa nanaman siya or may lalake nanaman siyang nilalandi."

Napaisip ako bigla. Hindi ba ako masaya noon, kahit nung una?

"Kahit nung bago palang kami?"

"Oo masaya ka nun pero hindi ganyan. Hindi ganyang klaseng saya. Ni minsan, kahit nung bago palang kayo nung ex mo, hindi kita nakita na ganyan. Ibang level yung ngiti mo ngayon at yung saya mo pag nagkwekwento ka or pag kausap mo si Matt." sagot ni Mariah

"Ano ba kasi yun? Hindi ko naman napapansin."

"Ngayon you're not just blooming, you're glowing. Pati pag kumakanta ka, iba. May emotion, may feelings."

"Ganun?!" tanong ko.

"Oo. Nakikita kong masaya ka na talaga."

"Siguro. He makes me happy. Maisip ko lang siya, napapangiti na ako. Lately, nagiging mas malambing siya. Nagiging mas sweet."

"Alam mo masaya talaga ako kasi masaya ka. Deserve mo maging masaya. Ano ba kasing meron diyan kay Matt?"

"Pero hindi kami." sagot ko kay Mariah.

Nakaramdam ako ng very very slight na kalungkutan. Hithit. Buga.

"So? Alam mo, nahuhulog na loob nun sayo based sa mga ginagawa niya pero yun lang wag mong pangunahan. Hintayin mo na siya magsabi."

Napangiti ako.

"Syempre naman."

"Basta, enjoyin mo muna yan. Alam mo naiinis ako pag kayong mga gay friends ko eh may ganyang mga eksena."

"Bakit naman?" tanong ko.

"Kasi bakit kayo meron. Ako wala!" sagot ng puta.

Napatawa kaming dalawa nang malakas.

Im sure, those who've read some previous posts or follow me on Twitter would know kung sino ang pinaguusapan namin ni Mariah.

Sabi nga ng friend ko na si James, which is probably the best piece of advice he has ever given me, "Anong mas pipiliin mo? Yung hindi mo pa alam kung ano ang status ninyo pero masaya ka at masaya siya or yung alam mo nga ang status ninyo pero hindi mo naman maramdaman? Mararamdaman mo lang pag nagaway kayo or pag may ginawa siyang mali."

In fairness, may point si James. Napaisip din ako sa sinabi ni Mariah.

At least I'm happy. Genuinely happy. :)

The Women in the Family

A few days ago, we had our family reunion on my mom's side. While at the reunion, my grandma delivered a speech to commemorate my great grandmother. Apparently, my great grandma was really cool and she touched so many lives.

So while giving her speech, something my grandma said struck me.

She said that the women in the family were raised in such a way that they had to be strong. They had to have careers, they had to know how to fend for their families. They would never have to depend on their husbands completely because the moment their husband is gone, they should have means to provide for their children. In the face of pain and sorrow, they would always be strong and seem unscathed.

It was something to that effect.

I realized that my mom was the same. She and her sisters were raised the same way. My mom, for some reason, taught me the same thing. Never depend on anyone else and always be strong. When I go to my mom for advice, she would always tell me, "what does not destroy you makes you stronger".

It was at that moment I realized how strong the women in my mom's family were. I also realized the difference with my dad's family.

My dad's family you see, the women are supposed to stay home and take care of the children. Do the cooking and cleaning and making sure the house is in tip top shape when the man arrives from a long day at work. They have to follow what their husbands tell them. They should cater to his every need.

I find it ludicrous.

My mom's family is the exact opposite. The women are not submissive. They are strong. They are fighters. They are independent.

Now it makes sense why the women in our family seem so strong.

And I think, that's really awesome.

Moment

I was working on something that evening.

Earlier I asked Matt if he was coming over but he said he couldn't because he had some projects to finish.

When he can't come over, we would usually talk on the phone or Skype.

That evening, while I was working, he called me on Skype.

Kinukulit niya ako. I was ignoring him because I was busy with something.

"Someone's being grumpy...", he said.

I was silent.

"Grumpy..."

I was still ignoring him because I was focused on what I was doing.

"I'm going away. You is grumpy.", he said then he suddenly hid from the webcam.

"Im not being grumpy. I'm working on something."

He would look into the screen and I'd wave to him tapos magtatago siya ulit.

I sent him an emoticon of a bear giving a hug.

"Me is not grumpy.", I said in a sing-song way.

Sumisilip parin siya pero hindi humaharap ng buo sa webcam.

"Uy... may nagpapalambing...", I suddenly blurted out without even thinking.

Bigla siyang tumayo at umupo sa harap ng laptop niya. Tumingin siya sa akin.

"O sige, hindi na ako magpapalambing", sagot niya and he was looking at me with puppy-dog eyes.

I was stunned.

Usually kasi pag ginaganun ko siya, he doesn't answer.

This time it was different.

He looked at me with those brown eyes of his and smiled.

I smiled back.

He suddenly did this gesture he does pag naglalambing siya.

I sent him another bear-hugging emoticon.