Why I Did What I Did

"You were right, I deserve someone better. It's over between us."

This was part of the message I sent Parker when I broke up with him last November.

Breaking up through text, tacky I know.

People have been asking me why I broke up with him. My friends, my family, even some of my readers. I've only given vague answers to most of them, although my really close friends know the real reason why.

But now I'm ready to tell my story. To explain why I did what I did.

For almost a year and a half, I've written about our relationship. I've shared stories, pictures, videos. I did that because I was trying to paint a picture of a happy, working relationship.

But underneath it all, we had issues. We had problems like everyone else.

I wrote about the good times but not the bad because whenever things started to get rough, I would always look back on what I wrote to remind myself that there was a time when we were happy and I was forcing myself to believe that those good times can still come back.

When I said yes to Parker, I asked for two things from him. One was to never lay a finger on me because I would beat him to a pulp if he did. Second was to never cheat on me.

I'm not sure if he was listening at that time.

Problems started when he went to Thailand back in November 2010. Apparently, the place he stayed in was his ex's. To cut it short, he cheated on me with his ex. That was the first. But that was not the last.

I should have left him right then and there. But I didn't. Because I loved him. Lintek na pagmamahal yan.

Parker had this thing where he would tell me about his ex's. He would tell me things in so much detail I could write a book about them. He did that because it made him feel good seeing me jealous.

But thats not all.

He would blatantly tell me about the men he had crushes on and flirted with. He would call me in the middle of the night just to do that.

The worst was when I went to Baguio back in 2010. He was in Boracay at that time. He called me at 1 in the morning telling me that he saw this guy by the beach and it was the most gorgeous man he's ever seen. When I didn't show any interest in what he was saying, he got upset.

He had no idea that I was with my friends at that time. He started yelling at me over the phone and my friends heard everything. That's how loud his voice was.

I was in tears. My friends were in complete shock. They could not believe that I would allow myself to be treated that way. They know how I am when provoked. They know that I don't take shit from anyone. But that night, they saw how raw and broken I was. It was for that reason why my friends in Baguio hated him.

When Parker comes to Manila to visit me, we would normally go out. We'd go out to dinner or watch a movie but every time we do that, he'd walk 3 feet before or after me. He didn't want people to think that we were together.

When he comes to Manila, he would go out with his friends which would really upset me because that's the only time we get to spend together. I mean yes, we talk on Skype or MSN every night but it's still different when he's actually here beside me. I can't join him when he goes out with his friends because they don't know about me. Even to his friends who knew he was gay, he denied that we were together and on more than one occasion, while I was in the room.

When we were in Cebu for our anniversary, we almost broke up because he caught me texting my friend Ellaine telling her what he was doing. It was the eve of our anniversary and we were at a bar called Dose. I turn around and there he was flirting with the men inside. I just stayed outside the bar and smoked while texting Ellaine. The next day, he saw the thread of messages and he was furious with me. Bakit ko daw siya sinisiraan sa mga kaibigan ko.

His indiscretions continued. He would go online and chat with different men. He had accounts on PlanetRomeo, Manjam and other sites.

In case you're wondering how I knew all of this, he told me. He says he wants to be honest with me. He's a fucking dumbass in my opinion.

But I guess the last straw for me was when he went to Davao with his officemates. He told me that he went to a bar and met this guy and they slept together.

So much more has happened but I don't wanna go into that anymore. The other men he slept with, the other men he flirted with, how he'd pick his friends over me. Hindi niya maintindihan na dahil long distance ang relationship namin, gusto kong sulitin ang oras na meron kaming dalawa pag magkasama kami. It came to a point when he asked me permission to sleep with other men. Sa loob loob ko I was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me?!".

My friends knew what I was going through and they've yelled, scolded and lectured me so many times that I've actually lost count. They've asked me a thousand times to break up with him but I never did because I still stuck to my belief that one day he might change.

Alam ko naman na I had my faults din. I was too demanding when it came to his time. I would be immature about some small things. I would bottle everything inside and let it all out at once. But I've looked at it objectively and still, everything he did outweighed all the flaws I had.

He had his faults and shortcomings and he apologized for them. But after a while, the word sorry loses it's meaning and becomes nothing but just a word.

Naging masyado siyang kampante dahil lagi ko siyang pinagbibigayan. He thought that I would always understand because every time he did something, I would look the other way. I know, kasalanan ko din yun.

Aminado naman ako dun eh.

Breaking up with him was not a spur of the moment thing. I thought long and hard about it. It took me weeks to finally decide.

My friends saw how I'd cry because of the things he did to me. My friends would keep their phones open knowing that any moment tatawag nanaman ako at umiiyak. My friends have no idea how thankful I am because they became my rock the entire time.

I broke up with him because I realized that in the process of loving him, I forgot to love myself. Hindi ko napansin na dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya, pati respeto ko sa sarili ko nawala na. Lintek talaga yang pagmamahal na yan.

Weeks before I broke up with him, I could not look at him. I could not stand being in the same room with him. Everytime I looked at him, memories came flushing back. I was disgusted by him. Sobrang nandidiri ako sa kanya dahil sa mga ginawa niya.

I know this is contrary to the sweet things I posted before about the both of us. But dear readers, eto yung totoo. I loved him, that was true and sa tingin ko naman he loved me in his own way. But it was one of those moments where love was not enough anymore.

After what happened in Thailand, I never found it in me to trust him again. I tried but to no avail.

Because of that, the relationship became too toxic for me.

Some would probably applaud me for leaving him, some would probably hate me for being stupid and some might say na mahina ako because instead of trying to fix it, I opted out.

Well I don't care. Ang dami kong tiniis para sa kanya hoping na one day magbabago siya pero tao din lang ako. May limitasyon din ang pasensya ko and I can only take so much pain.

And up to this day, I have no regrets because when I look in the mirror, I can look at myself and say that I did the right thing.

Despite what happened, I still believe in love. I still believe that there is someone out there who deserves the love and affection I can give. For now, I wont look. I'll wait for love to come to me because I know that it will be given when I am ready to receive it. My prince is out there somewhere. Just gotta wait a bit.

Love,

Adam :)