Paano Mag Move On?

"Paano ka mag move on? Paano mo alam na okay ka na?"

Yan ang madalas na tinatanong sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko. They know how I handle breakups. Dalawa lang kasi yan eh. It's either magdradrama ako to the highest level, which means matagal bago ako makapagmove on, or maihi lang ako at okay na ako ulit. O diba? Walang grey area.

Ganun talaga eh, there are some people na mas matimbang (in a way) kaya mas masakit pag nawala sila. But the million dollar question is, paano nga ba mag move on? Magbibigay ako ng example based from my own personal heartbreak(s).

Sa lahat ng mga minahal ko noon (oh my God, how cliche), dalawa lang ang iniyakan at drinamahan ko ng severe. Yung eksenang may walling, may paghatak sa mga kurtina, yung tipong umiiyak ka habang sinisigaw ang "Ayoko na! Ang sakit sakit naaaaa!". It was my first boyfriend, who we will call Phil, and si Matt. Sila lang talaga ang nakapagpalabas ng soap opera moment ko. So far :).

Si Phil, tatlong buwan na araw araw akong umiiyak. Yung tipong naglalakad ako sa school tapos maaalala ko siya tapos marerealize ko na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko kaya tatakbo ako papuntang CR at magkukulong sa cubicle habang tahimik na umiiyak. Of course, may kasamang walling ito kung malinis yung CR. Siguro nasa mga 4 years bago ako tuluyang nakamove on. True story.

Si Matt naman, walang masyadong iyakan na naganap. Pero everytime na umiyak ako, masakit. May halong kirot. Minahal ko siya ng bongga eh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit, hindi naman naging kami. Hindi kasi pwedeng maging kami dahil may sagabal sa kaligayahan. Pero wala, minahal ko yung kumag na yun eh. Sa kanya naman, mga 3 years bago ako nakamove on. O diba ang tatagal? Pero paano ko nga ba narealize na nakamove on na ako?

I knew someone who was once in the same boat as I was. Ang dakilang writer at idol ko na si Bookie. I asked him how to get over Matt. His advice didn't make much sense at that time but eventually it did. Ang sabi niya, 'just ride the emotions. All you need is time.' I understood where he was coming from but I just couldn't see how time would make things better.

But now I can say that he was right. Time is all you need. It's what we all need. Some people choose to distract themselves or create crutches rather than facing the reality that they will have to move on at some point. Instead na hintayin na magsubside ang feelings, pipiliin nilang ikain ang feelings nila or idate at ikama lahat ng lumapit sa kanila. I know because I tried that. I've been there.

Eventually, I decided to just ride the waves of whatever emotion I was feeling and one day I realized na okay na ako. Seryoso.

Totoo pala talaga yang time heals all wounds keme na yan.

So ngayong panahon ng mga puso, I know maraming tulad ko na single dyan. Yung iba happy, yung iba trying to be happy, yung iba bitter, yung iba wapakels. Pero meron din kasi yung mga umaasa pa. Ang masasabi ko lang, kung sa tingin mo kaya pa, sige kapit ka pa ng konti pero dapat alam mo rin pag oras nang bumitiw. Sabi nga ni Inang Elsa, Let It Go.

Hindi ka makakapagmove on kung hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mo na mag move on. You cannot keep clinging onto the past. Hindi mo ikakaganda ang pagiging martyr. Hindi ka papatayuan ng rebulto just because you choose to keep waiting for something that may never happen. Haggard, bes.

Mahirap mag move on, oo totoo yan. Pero kaya mo yan. I believe in you. Give yourself time kasi yang sakit at hinagpis na pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, may expiration date yan. Parang yung lata ng spam na nasa kusina na ayaw mong buksan kasi namamahalan ka and para lang dapat sa special occasion. Mageexpire yan. I swear. Mamatay man yung kapitbahay ko. Hintay hintay ka lang dyan.

One day you'll wake up and realize na okay ka na. Ganern.

Happy Valentines day to all of you.

Love,
Adam

How Do I Unlove You?

How do I unlove you?

That’s a question I’ve asked myself many times. You were the one that got away and yet I still love you. I try my best not to say it out loud but keeping something like that bottled up inside can only go on for so long.

How do I unlove you?

It’s a question many people have asked themselves. The problem with love is that you can’t control it. The mind battles what the heart feels. Your mind can take over and you can convince yourself over and over again but there will always be that part of you, that voice telling you to do the opposite. Some people are lucky enough to be able to tune it out.

How do I unlove you?

In theory it should be easy. But it’s hard since I still see and talk to you every now and then. I tried avoiding you. I thought not seeing you would make me forget you but instead, it made me miss you. Seeing you with the dorky smile that complements your boyish charm makes my heart melt. But then I have to restrain myself. I have to grin and bare it while asking myself the same question again.

How do I unlove you?

My will is strong but my heart tries to pound loud enough to be heard. To be considered. To be vulnerable. In that moment of vulnerability, I think of you and what we could have been. But I’m not stupid enough to think that we would ever be together. What we had, fleeting as it was, was special and something I fondly look back on. I love you, that much is true, but it does not mean that I want to be with you. Just because I miss you does not mean that I want you back in my life. It’s just a part, a phase I have to go through to move on. Which is why I still keep asking myself, “how do I unlove you?”


Adam's Note: I wrote this a few years ago for Matt when I was still in love with him. My feelings for him are long gone. I just thought it would be fun to post this for the benefit of those asking themselves how to unlove someone.

Why I (Kinda) Stopped Blogging

I remember a time when I would have 2 -3 posts a day. I remember when I had people reaching out to me to review their shit or ask for advice. Those days are long gone. Even my readers are gone, my blog and my musings are now a thing of the past for them and I'm not sure if they even remember reading the stuff I wrote.

I have myself to blame, really. I started posting everything online, my life became an open book to everyone who took the time to read it. Eventually, I wanted to be more private about my life and my relationships. The posts lessened from once a day to once a week until it back one post per month and eventually it dwindled to a couple of posts per year.

My fellow bloggers have also left the blogosphere, some of who I'm still connected with through social media. These bloggers who kept their anonymity now post photos of themselves out in the open because their blogs have ceased to exist. Their stories gone and with that their need to hide. The blogoshpere wasn't what is was when I, when we, were at our peak. Sure, there are those who managed to keep going but their posts have also declined. I won't be surprised if in a few years their own blogs would be gone.

But a part of me still yearns for it, a part of me misses the online world which is why I created my youtube channel. But it's not as easy as blogging. It entails more work on my part.

I stopped blogging because I lost my muse. I lost that spark in me that made me want to write and share everything about me. Many times I've tried to write. Many times I've tried to post and God know I have dozens of unfinished drafts in this blog. I do miss blogging, but I can't commit myself to do it the way I used to.

Maybe one day, someday, I'll be able to do it all over again...

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-Adam

Where The Voices Dwell

It's been a long time since I posted something here that isn't a video. It feels like a lifetime, to be honest.

The past few months have not been easy. There are so many things I've had to go through and I decided not to make any of them public. There was a time when I would write everything here. Every single thought, every single achievement... even my failures. But alas, those days are far behind me. Blogging my daily musings is behind me.

There are days when I don't even have the energy to get out of bed but I force myself to because a part of my believes that life isn't so bad and there are things worth getting out of bed for. I've become accustomed to fending for myself because I know that out there, in the real world, I have no one to count on but myself. I don't want to be a burden to the people around me so I try my best to do things on my own. I often keep everyone at arm's length because I've learned that letting people close enough would only spell heartbreak and sorrow for me. It's not something I do on purpose, it's a reflex of mine.

It's not healthiest way to deal with things, but it's the only way I know.

There are days when the voices in my head are so loud that I doubt myself and question my existence in this world. There are days when the world seems nothing but a blur and I just walk through life's highways with no idea where I'm supposed to go.

A part of me knows that it isn't so bad and there are those who have it worse than I do but sometimes, I can't help but feel like maybe I've had enough. Maybe I've been through so much that at this point that I deserve a break.

There are those around me who make life a little easier. They make me see the brighter side of things and help me get a good grip of reality when I feel myself losing touch of what's real and what's not. They're the ones who help me get out of bed every morning. They help drown out the voices that try so hard to consume my being. Half of me believes that they're the cure and can help fill the void that could swallow me whole any second. The other tells me that it's a band-aid at best.

It's a constant struggle trying to figure out what's real and what's not. Every morning, a question burns inside my head.

"Will things get better or is this the best it'll ever get?"

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