The Letter I Sent Matt in 2015

Dear You,

When I first met you, we hit it off. We clicked. Over time, I developed feelings for you, feelings I made you aware of. You made it clear what you felt about me, you called it my edge, but you were also clear in saying that you and I could never be because we both want different things.

But that never stopped me from loving you. This love, however, ate me from the inside. I could never love anyone else wholly because a huge part of me loved you. I was and still am miserable because of that.

Love, that one word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you. Even when people roll their eyes at you and think you’re crazy, it doesn’t stop you from loving that person. The thing is, I love everything about you. I truly do. From your brown eyes, to your sharp wit that you use to make jokes at my expense. When you smile from ear to ear, it makes my heart melt and wish that I never do anything to wipe that smile off your face.

Everytime I look at you, it hurts. I die a little inside every single time because I am reminded that I could never be with you. You never even gave me a chance to love you. You didn’t give me enough time to show you that I can make you happy. That I was what you needed.

I kept this blog as a way to remind myself why I shouldn’t love you. It was my secret journal. Mababaliw na kasi ako dahil wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko.

You have a hold on my heart that I could not break even if I wanted to and there have been times that I wanted to. It’s overwhelming and painful at times but I could not stop loving you more that I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly and irretrievably in love with you.

Hindi ka naman kasi mahirap mahalin. I know you can be sweet. I know you can be caring once you put down those walls you’ve worked so hard to build around yourself. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt a part of it. Which is what makes me so certain. So I know, from first-hand experience, na hindi ka mahirap mahalin. Pero ang sakit sakit mong mahalin.

Not talking to you, not seeing you… it helped. Quitting you cold turkey was all I needed but it wasn’t easy by any means. There were days when I wanted to talk to you. There were days when I wanted to see you. But I knew it wouldn’t happen. For days on end I would keep telling myself that you’re gonna call me or message me. But that never happened.

Took me several years but I finally accept the fact that you and I will never together. There will never be an ‘us’. Not even as friends. I see how you treat your friends and I would never be part of that. You would never give me that courtesy. You’re there when they need you. You find time for them. I have to beg you for 10 minutes of your time. Pathetic, I know pero kasalanan ko naman eh. I fell in love with you kahit na sinabihan mo na ako noon na huwag kong gagawin yun. Pero wala, minahal kita and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. But I have to stop at some point and move on with my life free of you.

Maybe one day I’ll get over you. I hope I do. But I know that I will forever look back at what could have been. This is why I have to cut myself from you because I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. Let me waddle in the pool of my own misery. I put myself in it to begin with. Time may heal whatever wounds I have inside but the scars will always be there.

I wish you find that which your heart desires. Like what I always say, I know you’ll do great in whatever it is you choose to do. You may not hear from me, you may not see me but I will silently cheer for your victories and continue loving you from a distance.

We had chemistry. Timing is all we needed. Sucks for me, I feel in love with the right person at the wrong time. Timing is a bitch.

Love,

Adam