STORYTIME: The Future Lawyer – Part II

“Tell me again why you two can’t be together?” asked my friend while she looked at me, one eyebrow raised as she took a puff from her cigarette.

“I..” I started, “I don’t know. The truth is, we go well together but I don’t think he’s ready or he wants it as much as I do. I mean, after I broke up with my last ex, he had every chance to start something with me. To pick up where we left off. Considering how much time we spent together, the topic never came up. But then again, neither one of us brought it up.”

“Maybe he was waiting,” she said.

“Maybe. I don’t know… or maybe there really was nothing left from before.”

“So tell me what happened the other day,” she asked.

I started telling her the story of how he called me up at around dinner time but I missed his call and only got back to him a few hours later.

“You called?” I texted him.

“Yeah. You didn’t pick up. Where are you?” was his reply.

“I was having dinner. I’m home why?”

“You wanna hang out?”

“Now? Uhhm… sure why not. I can only stay out for an hour though.”

“Okay wait I’ll get ready.”

“Actually you know what, it’s almost 2am and you take forever. I’m free tomorrow night if you want.”

He replied and told me that he was ready and asked me to meet him at the gas station near his place.

I thought about it for a minute and replied, “Okay fine. I’m on my way. I need to gas up anyway.”

I took my keys and drove to the gas station and there he was standing at the side. He was wearing a wife beater and those ridiculously short shorts he insists on wearing. I refer to them as his booty shorts, a term he eventually embraced.

He got in my car and I knew immediately where to go. It was the place he once said “would always be our place”. It’s where we always go because it’s close to our neighborhood and it’s open 24 hours.

We got settled in and he went to get a drink. I lit a cigarette.
“So what’s new?” he asked.

I told him about this thing that’s been upsetting me the past few days. He listened.

I pulled another cigarette from my pack but before I could light it, he grabbed my wrist and said, “Stop it! Are you trying to kill yourself?!”

I pulled away and smiled. I lit the cigarette.

"Oh, Happy Anniversary!" he said.

I gave him a questioning look.

"It's been a year," he said.

"Oh right. It's been a year since you disappeared for two months without so much as a goodbye," I answered with a smile.

"Actually, our anniversary was after I disappeared for two months," he said with a sheepish smile.

We started talking about the most mundane of things. It’s what we do when we hang out. We could keep talking the whole night and just get lost in the moment. We’d share the most trivial of stories and all we needed were a pack of cigarettes and something to drink. There are times when we’d realize that we’ve been talking for hours and the sun will be up in an hour.

Midway through whatever we were talking about, he stopped and looked at me.

“Stop looking so sad,” he suddenly said.

“I’m not sad. I have work later and I had work earlier. I’m just tired.”

“No. I can see it in your eyes. I can see how sad you are,” was his response.

I didn't answer.

About 30 minutes later, I called it a night and said we should get going. While in the car, we were listening to music. He played True Colors and said that was his song for me. We were both quiet the rest of the ride.

A few blocks away from his house, I broke the silence.

“Hey, remember a few weeks ago when you didn’t hear from me for a while?” I asked.

“Yeah?”

“You wanna know why I did that?”

“No. Wait... yes. I wanna know,” he replied.

“Is your default reply to everything ‘No’?” I asked with a laugh. “It’s because I wanted you to miss me.”

That’s the answer I gave him. But it was only half true. You see, there was a time when I stopped replying to his texts and stopped picking up the phone because at that time I felt like he only called me when he was bored. I felt like I was his back up when none of his other friends wanted to deal with him. So it’s true that I wanted him to miss me but I also wanted to feel like I meant something to him.

“So did it work? Your plan?” he asked.

“I don’t know. We don’t talk about things like that remember?” I replied.

“Yeah. Why should we?”

I pulled up a block away from the gate he takes to get to their place. Now whenever I drive him home, he gives me a hug before he gets out of the car.

He leaned in as he always does. But this time it wasn’t for a hug. Before I knew it, I felt his lips on mine.

What lasted for a few seconds felt much longer. He pulled away and got out of my card before I could say anything. I looked at my rear view mirror and there he was running towards the direction of his house.

I drove off.

A few minutes later, I heard my phone beep. I knew it was him.

“I’ll just read it when I get home,” I told myself.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry,” his text read.

“It’s fine. You were probably just trying to cheer me up,” I replied.

“Right,” was his only reply.

I barely slept that night. There were dozens of questions running through my head. Why did he do that? Did it mean something? Were we just caught in some weird moment?
In my sleepless state, I managed to drag myself to work that day. When I got to work I tried calling him. No answer. I told myself that he was probably still asleep.

No texts from him the whole day.

I tried calling again at around 7:00p. No answer.

The next day, I tried calling him at around noon. I also sent a few texts. He still wasn’t picking up or replying. I knew something was up. I knew that he’d be at church later in the evening so I figured I’d drop by and talk to him to clear things. If that kiss didn’t mean anything, then we can just forget about it and put it behind us.

I ended up waiting for two and half hours before he finally came out of church. He was with a bunch of people. I was standing outside smoking. There he was, roughly 8 feet away from me. I texted him to let him know I was there. His phone was in his hand most of the time. He still didn’t reply.

Right then it hit me. He had no plans of talking to me. I started walking to my car.

On the drive home, there was only one thing running through my head. I can’t believe he did this to me. Again.

The Letter I Sent Matt in 2015

Dear You,

When I first met you, we hit it off. We clicked. Over time, I developed feelings for you, feelings I made you aware of. You made it clear what you felt about me, you called it my edge, but you were also clear in saying that you and I could never be because we both want different things.

But that never stopped me from loving you. This love, however, ate me from the inside. I could never love anyone else wholly because a huge part of me loved you. I was and still am miserable because of that.

Love, that one word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you. Even when people roll their eyes at you and think you’re crazy, it doesn’t stop you from loving that person. The thing is, I love everything about you. I truly do. From your brown eyes, to your sharp wit that you use to make jokes at my expense. When you smile from ear to ear, it makes my heart melt and wish that I never do anything to wipe that smile off your face.

Everytime I look at you, it hurts. I die a little inside every single time because I am reminded that I could never be with you. You never even gave me a chance to love you. You didn’t give me enough time to show you that I can make you happy. That I was what you needed.

I kept this blog as a way to remind myself why I shouldn’t love you. It was my secret journal. Mababaliw na kasi ako dahil wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko.

You have a hold on my heart that I could not break even if I wanted to and there have been times that I wanted to. It’s overwhelming and painful at times but I could not stop loving you more that I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly and irretrievably in love with you.

Hindi ka naman kasi mahirap mahalin. I know you can be sweet. I know you can be caring once you put down those walls you’ve worked so hard to build around yourself. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt a part of it. Which is what makes me so certain. So I know, from first-hand experience, na hindi ka mahirap mahalin. Pero ang sakit sakit mong mahalin.

Not talking to you, not seeing you… it helped. Quitting you cold turkey was all I needed but it wasn’t easy by any means. There were days when I wanted to talk to you. There were days when I wanted to see you. But I knew it wouldn’t happen. For days on end I would keep telling myself that you’re gonna call me or message me. But that never happened.

Took me several years but I finally accept the fact that you and I will never together. There will never be an ‘us’. Not even as friends. I see how you treat your friends and I would never be part of that. You would never give me that courtesy. You’re there when they need you. You find time for them. I have to beg you for 10 minutes of your time. Pathetic, I know pero kasalanan ko naman eh. I fell in love with you kahit na sinabihan mo na ako noon na huwag kong gagawin yun. Pero wala, minahal kita and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. But I have to stop at some point and move on with my life free of you.

Maybe one day I’ll get over you. I hope I do. But I know that I will forever look back at what could have been. This is why I have to cut myself from you because I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. Let me waddle in the pool of my own misery. I put myself in it to begin with. Time may heal whatever wounds I have inside but the scars will always be there.

I wish you find that which your heart desires. Like what I always say, I know you’ll do great in whatever it is you choose to do. You may not hear from me, you may not see me but I will silently cheer for your victories and continue loving you from a distance.

We had chemistry. Timing is all we needed. Sucks for me, I feel in love with the right person at the wrong time. Timing is a bitch.

Love,

Adam

Paano Mag Move On?

"Paano ka mag move on? Paano mo alam na okay ka na?"

Yan ang madalas na tinatanong sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko. They know how I handle breakups. Dalawa lang kasi yan eh. It's either magdradrama ako to the highest level, which means matagal bago ako makapagmove on, or maihi lang ako at okay na ako ulit. O diba? Walang grey area.

Ganun talaga eh, there are some people na mas matimbang (in a way) kaya mas masakit pag nawala sila. But the million dollar question is, paano nga ba mag move on? Magbibigay ako ng example based from my own personal heartbreak(s).

Sa lahat ng mga minahal ko noon (oh my God, how cliche), dalawa lang ang iniyakan at drinamahan ko ng severe. Yung eksenang may walling, may paghatak sa mga kurtina, yung tipong umiiyak ka habang sinisigaw ang "Ayoko na! Ang sakit sakit naaaaa!". It was my first boyfriend, who we will call Phil, and si Matt. Sila lang talaga ang nakapagpalabas ng soap opera moment ko. So far :).

Si Phil, tatlong buwan na araw araw akong umiiyak. Yung tipong naglalakad ako sa school tapos maaalala ko siya tapos marerealize ko na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko kaya tatakbo ako papuntang CR at magkukulong sa cubicle habang tahimik na umiiyak. Of course, may kasamang walling ito kung malinis yung CR. Siguro nasa mga 4 years bago ako tuluyang nakamove on. True story.

Si Matt naman, walang masyadong iyakan na naganap. Pero everytime na umiyak ako, masakit. May halong kirot. Minahal ko siya ng bongga eh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit, hindi naman naging kami. Hindi kasi pwedeng maging kami dahil may sagabal sa kaligayahan. Pero wala, minahal ko yung kumag na yun eh. Sa kanya naman, mga 3 years bago ako nakamove on. O diba ang tatagal? Pero paano ko nga ba narealize na nakamove on na ako?

I knew someone who was once in the same boat as I was. Ang dakilang writer at idol ko na si Bookie. I asked him how to get over Matt. His advice didn't make much sense at that time but eventually it did. Ang sabi niya, 'just ride the emotions. All you need is time.' I understood where he was coming from but I just couldn't see how time would make things better.

But now I can say that he was right. Time is all you need. It's what we all need. Some people choose to distract themselves or create crutches rather than facing the reality that they will have to move on at some point. Instead na hintayin na magsubside ang feelings, pipiliin nilang ikain ang feelings nila or idate at ikama lahat ng lumapit sa kanila. I know because I tried that. I've been there.

Eventually, I decided to just ride the waves of whatever emotion I was feeling and one day I realized na okay na ako. Seryoso.

Totoo pala talaga yang time heals all wounds keme na yan.

So ngayong panahon ng mga puso, I know maraming tulad ko na single dyan. Yung iba happy, yung iba trying to be happy, yung iba bitter, yung iba wapakels. Pero meron din kasi yung mga umaasa pa. Ang masasabi ko lang, kung sa tingin mo kaya pa, sige kapit ka pa ng konti pero dapat alam mo rin pag oras nang bumitiw. Sabi nga ni Inang Elsa, Let It Go.

Hindi ka makakapagmove on kung hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mo na mag move on. You cannot keep clinging onto the past. Hindi mo ikakaganda ang pagiging martyr. Hindi ka papatayuan ng rebulto just because you choose to keep waiting for something that may never happen. Haggard, bes.

Mahirap mag move on, oo totoo yan. Pero kaya mo yan. I believe in you. Give yourself time kasi yang sakit at hinagpis na pinagdadaanan mo ngayon, may expiration date yan. Parang yung lata ng spam na nasa kusina na ayaw mong buksan kasi namamahalan ka and para lang dapat sa special occasion. Mageexpire yan. I swear. Mamatay man yung kapitbahay ko. Hintay hintay ka lang dyan.

One day you'll wake up and realize na okay ka na. Ganern.

Happy Valentines day to all of you.

Love,
Adam