Monday, February 27, 2012
"Ah so this is your house pala.", sabi ng pinsan kong si Jae.
She's my cousin from Ilocos. One of the very few I actually like.
She came to Manila with her mom, my dad's sister, because one of our relatives died.
Nagkita kami sa SM Fairview tapos pumunta kami ng lamay. After that, we went to church real quick because I had to join the choir for rehearsal.
She thought I was kidding when I said church.
After that, dumeretso kami sa bahay. It was her first time there.
"Yeah. This is the house.", sagot ko.
"Grabe. The silence is defeaning."
"So who cleans and does your laundry?"
"I have a cleaning lady. She comes here twice a month on sundays. She does all the chores."
"Hindi ka ba natatakot mag isa dito?"
"Hindi naman. Sanay na."
"Eh pano yung food mo?"
"I cook pero usually I eat out nalang para wala akong dishes na huhugasan."
She noticed that there was something different about me.
"Are you okay?", she asked.
"Yeah. Just glad na may kasama ako ngayon."
"Oo nga. Parang ang boring dito pag ikaw lang mag isa."
I was silent for a few minutes. She was walking around the house.
I poured myself a glass of coke.
She sat on one of the chairs in the dining table.
"Well now you know how and where I live."
She was looked at me but did not say anything.
"For the first few months it was fun naman and at times it is still fun. I mean, I have no curfew, I can do whatever I want. I have all the freedom in the world. But sometimes nakakalungkot din."
She was still silent.
"I mean, I dont clean kasi hindi naman nadudumihan ang bahay since I'm always in my room. I prefer eating out kasi what's the point of going through the trouble of slaving myself over a kitchen stove eh ako lang naman ang kakain."
She was just there, sitting on the wooden chair, staring at me.
I took a puff from my cigarette.
"I like living alone because that's what I'm used to but sometimes I do get lonely. I do get homesick. The idea of living independently and following your own rules is fun but when you get tired of the freedom and realize that that is what you have to live with day by day, it doesn't become as fun anymore."
It took her a moment to react.
"Does tita know?"
"Yeah", I answered. "I've written about being homesick on my blog and she comes here once a month to check up on me which I appreciate."
"Does she know that you feel that way?"
"Of course. Ano ka ba. Close kami ni mama. I tell her everything. And I know she worries about me but you know it's one of the things that are out of our control. I'm not complaining naman. I mean, I have a good life, I have a good job. The things I want I get, I can afford. But some of the things I need, well, those are the things that money can't buy."
Again she fell silent.
She was looking at me in a certain way which I never like seeing from people.
Ayokong tinitignan ako ng ganun.
Yung tingin na naaawa sa akin.
I immediately changed the topic.
To something much more fun.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Nasa smoking area kami ni Aludra ng isa sa mga building dito sa QC.
Dahil medyo busy kaming dalawa, we haven't really talked or seen each other in days.
Finally, nagkita narin kami.
Napakwento ako sa kanya.
"Nalilito ako. Nahuhulog na ba loob niya sa akin?", tanong ko kay Aludra.
"Wag kang assuming puta ka. Hindi ka assumpsyonista. Louisian ka.", sagot niya sabay tawa.
Napatawa din ako ng malakas.
"Eh hindi ko kasi alam kung ano kaming dalawa eh.", bigla kong sinabi.
"Alam mo ikaw, enjoyin mo muna kung ano mang meron kayo. Mas mabuti yang ganyan. Walang commitment. Walang complications."
"Alam mo namimiss ko din yung ganyan. Mga kilig moments. Yung tipong pag kausap mo siya, masayang masaya ka na parang nababaliw. Yung maisip mo lang siya, mapapangiti ka nalang bigla. Siguro nga, magulo sitwasyon niyo in a way pero hindi naman kelangan maging complicated eh. Just enjoy the moment. Go with the flow sabi nga nila.", bigla niyang dinagdag.
I was caught off guard by what she said. I felt the emotion in her words.
I didn't know how to react but I knew that she was right.
"Kunsabagay. I don't think I'm ready for any commitments yet."
"Kaya nga enjoyin mo nalang muna kung anong meron kayo."
And that is what I am trying to do.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Ring... ring... ring...
"Hello?", I answered , voice really raspy.
"Are you ok?", he asked.
"Not really. Why?"
"Awww... you're sick."
"Yeah and I hate it. I hate getting sick because I live alone and I get really homesick. Back in Baguio whenever I get sick, either my friends or housemates would be there to take care of me. Ever since moving here, I don't have any of that anymore."
"Sorry...", he said. He becomes lost for words when I get emotional. He's not used to me being emotional.
"It's fine don't worry."
"Hey, hold on. I'm crossing the street. I'll call you back when I get home."
It was my friend Matt. Apparently he was on his way home when he called me up. I was sick for some reason so I was at home and in bed.
After about an hour and a half my phone rang again. I was a bit woozy because of the medicine I took.
"Hey!", he said over the phone.
"Hey...", I answered.
"Are you feeling better na?"
"A bit. I took some medicine earlier. Feeling a bit better."
"So you don't need me there na?"
"Huh?", I asked.
"Because I was actually planning on going there later."
"You don't have to but if you could, I'd really appreciate it", I answered.
Natawa siya bigla.
"Alright, I'll be there later. Just need to finish some things."
We talked on the phone for about an hour when he said that he wanted to take a quick nap.
"Hey... could you sing me to sleep?", he suddenly asked me.
"Sing me to sleep...please..."
Since I was feeling a bit better and my voice wasn't as hoarse anymore, I agreed. For some reason, he likes it when I sing him to sleep.
I was barely done with the song when he fell asleep.
I dropped the line and went back to bed.
At around 1AM, I heard my doorbell ring. I knew it was Matt. It was kinda late, I know.
I went down and opened the door.
He went straight to my room.
I locked the gate and my front door.
When I got to my room, I saw him hiding under my big-ass comforter. Natawa kaming dalawa.
I got into bed and there he was beside me. At least I had company that night. I honestly hate being alone when I'm sick.
Matt is the type of guy who is emotionally unavailable most of the time. It's who he is. He's not the mushy-cheesy type. But I was really glad because he was there when I really needed him. That oughta count for something.
He was falling asleep and so was I when I felt his arm around my chest. He was hugging me.
Again, I had to remind myself that we were just friends and that nothing can happen between us. We both agreed on that. But at that exact moment, I was relieved to have someone beside me. No, scratch that. I was relieved to have him beside me. I just enjoyed the moment while it lasted.
I woke up the next day feeling much better.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
"Ano ba kasi ang hinahanap mo?", tanong sa akin ng fried kong si Lance.
"Wala naman. I don't want any drama or complications. I just want a normal functional relationship", sagot ko.
"How old are you again?"
"See! You're only 23 and you're looking for a normal relationship?", he asked sabay taas ng kilay
I was silent.
"At this age, you're suppose to enjoy it. You're suppose to have fun. Tignan mo nga ako, sabi ng roomate ko eh 30 years old pa daw ako magkakaroon nang matinong relasyon."
"I have a question", I said.
"Sure. What is it?", he asked.
"Tingin mo ba mahirap akong mahalin?"
"Hindi ako ang makakasagot ng tanong mo na yan", sagot ni Lance.
"But what do you think? I mean, knowing me. I'm asking you because you are one of the few who can blatantly tell me the truth."
"I seriously don't know. Madali kang mahalin in a way..."
"Hmmmm... fair enough...", I answered.
"Ang dapat mo kasing tanungin is, madali ka bang pakisamahan once na minahal ka na. Because I guess, dun nagkakaroon ng problema", he said.
"Yeah I think yun ang dapat kong tinanong. Alam ko naman eh, I just needed someone to say it."
Natawa kaming pareho.
"Wag ka ngang mag-self pity. Hindi bagay sayo hahaha", bigla niyang sinabi.
"I know haha. It's just one of those days. I'll be back to my regular narcissistic, egotistical self in a few days", I answered.
"I miss your arrogance Sunshine", he said. He calls me Sunshine for some reason.
"I know. It's why you like me."
"I know right! Like totally!", he said in what I assumed was a half-sarcastic tone.
Nung ikwento ko sa friend kong si Mariah ang usapan namin ni Lance, eto ang sinabi niya sa akin.
"Naghahanap ka ng normal na relasyon?"
"Oo.", sagot ko.
"Kung normal ang hanap mo, sa babae ka nalang."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.
"Alam mo may moments ka din eh", sabi ko.
"Ha?", tanong niya.
"Parang for 10 seconds nakalimutan mong mag-isip."
"Huy sobra ka ah!", sagot niya sabay tawa ng malakas.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"You were right, I deserve someone better. It's over between us."
This was part of the message I sent Parker when I broke up with him last November.
Breaking up through text, tacky I know.
People have been asking me why I broke up with him. My friends, my family, even some of my readers. I've only given vague answers to most of them, although my really close friends know the real reason why.
But now I'm ready to tell my story. To explain why I did what I did.
For almost a year and a half, I've written about our relationship. I've shared stories, pictures, videos. I did that because I was trying to paint a picture of a happy, working relationship.
But underneath it all, we had issues. We had problems like everyone else.
I wrote about the good times but not the bad because whenever things started to get rough, I would always look back on what I wrote to remind myself that there was a time when we were happy and I was forcing myself to believe that those good times can still come back.
When I said yes to Parker, I asked for two things from him. One was to never lay a finger on me because I would beat him to a pulp if he did. Second was to never cheat on me.
I'm not sure if he was listening at that time.
Problems started when he went to Thailand back in November 2010. Apparently, the place he stayed in was his ex's. To cut it short, he cheated on me with his ex. That was the first. But that was not the last.
I should have left him right then and there. But I didn't. Because I loved him. Lintek na pagmamahal yan.
Parker had this thing where he would tell me about his ex's. He would tell me things in so much detail I could write a book about them. He did that because it made him feel good seeing me jealous.
But thats not all.
He would blatantly tell me about the men he had crushes on and flirted with. He would call me in the middle of the night just to do that.
The worst was when I went to Baguio back in 2010. He was in Boracay at that time. He called me at 1 in the morning telling me that he saw this guy by the beach and it was the most gorgeous man he's ever seen. When I didn't show any interest in what he was saying, he got upset.
He had no idea that I was with my friends at that time. He started yelling at me over the phone and my friends heard everything. That's how loud his voice was.
I was in tears. My friends were in complete shock. They could not believe that I would allow myself to be treated that way. They know how I am when provoked. They know that I don't take shit from anyone. But that night, they saw how raw and broken I was. It was for that reason why my friends in Baguio hated him.
When Parker comes to Manila to visit me, we would normally go out. We'd go out to dinner or watch a movie but every time we do that, he'd walk 3 feet before or after me. He didn't want people to think that we were together.
When he comes to Manila, he would go out with his friends which would really upset me because that's the only time we get to spend together. I mean yes, we talk on Skype or MSN every night but it's still different when he's actually here beside me. I can't join him when he goes out with his friends because they don't know about me. Even to his friends who knew he was gay, he denied that we were together and on more than one occasion, while I was in the room.
When we were in Cebu for our anniversary, we almost broke up because he caught me texting my friend Ellaine telling her what he was doing. It was the eve of our anniversary and we were at a bar called Dose. I turn around and there he was flirting with the men inside. I just stayed outside the bar and smoked while texting Ellaine. The next day, he saw the thread of messages and he was furious with me. Bakit ko daw siya sinisiraan sa mga kaibigan ko.
His indiscretions continued. He would go online and chat with different men. He had accounts on PlanetRomeo, Manjam and other sites.
In case you're wondering how I knew all of this, he told me. He says he wants to be honest with me. He's a fucking dumbass in my opinion.
But I guess the last straw for me was when he went to Davao with his officemates. He told me that he went to a bar and met this guy and they slept together.
So much more has happened but I don't wanna go into that anymore. The other men he slept with, the other men he flirted with, how he'd pick his friends over me. Hindi niya maintindihan na dahil long distance ang relationship namin, gusto kong sulitin ang oras na meron kaming dalawa pag magkasama kami. It came to a point when he asked me permission to sleep with other men. Sa loob loob ko I was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me?!".
My friends knew what I was going through and they've yelled, scolded and lectured me so many times that I've actually lost count. They've asked me a thousand times to break up with him but I never did because I still stuck to my belief that one day he might change.
Alam ko naman na I had my faults din. I was too demanding when it came to his time. I would be immature about some small things. I would bottle everything inside and let it all out at once. But I've looked at it objectively and still, everything he did outweighed all the flaws I had.
He had his faults and shortcomings and he apologized for them. But after a while, the word sorry loses it's meaning and becomes nothing but just a word.
Naging masyado siyang kampante dahil lagi ko siyang pinagbibigayan. He thought that I would always understand because every time he did something, I would look the other way. I know, kasalanan ko din yun.
Aminado naman ako dun eh.
Breaking up with him was not a spur of the moment thing. I thought long and hard about it. It took me weeks to finally decide.
My friends saw how I'd cry because of the things he did to me. My friends would keep their phones open knowing that any moment tatawag nanaman ako at umiiyak. My friends have no idea how thankful I am because they became my rock the entire time.
I broke up with him because I realized that in the process of loving him, I forgot to love myself. Hindi ko napansin na dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya, pati respeto ko sa sarili ko nawala na. Lintek talaga yang pagmamahal na yan.
Weeks before I broke up with him, I could not look at him. I could not stand being in the same room with him. Everytime I looked at him, memories came flushing back. I was disgusted by him. Sobrang nandidiri ako sa kanya dahil sa mga ginawa niya.
I know this is contrary to the sweet things I posted before about the both of us. But dear readers, eto yung totoo. I loved him, that was true and sa tingin ko naman he loved me in his own way. But it was one of those moments where love was not enough anymore.
After what happened in Thailand, I never found it in me to trust him again. I tried but to no avail.
Because of that, the relationship became too toxic for me.
Some would probably applaud me for leaving him, some would probably hate me for being stupid and some might say na mahina ako because instead of trying to fix it, I opted out.
Well I don't care. Ang dami kong tiniis para sa kanya hoping na one day magbabago siya pero tao din lang ako. May limitasyon din ang pasensya ko and I can only take so much pain.
And up to this day, I have no regrets because when I look in the mirror, I can look at myself and say that I did the right thing.
Despite what happened, I still believe in love. I still believe that there is someone out there who deserves the love and affection I can give. For now, I wont look. I'll wait for love to come to me because I know that it will be given when I am ready to receive it. My prince is out there somewhere. Just gotta wait a bit.
Our flight was at 5:45PM so my mom asked the hotel for a late check-out. They said we could check out at 2PM.
Since my mom wasn't in the mood to go out, she stayed at the hotel while I met up with Libby and Timmy.
I got back to the hotel at 2PM and my mom was already the lobby waiting for me with all our things.
We went straight to the airport.
We had lunch at McDonalds while waiting.
When me and my mom arrived in SG, we had our carry-on and a luggage bag each. When we left, we had one more luggage bag with us. The red one.
My mom bought it at Giordano which was a good idea kasi dun namin nilagay yung ibang mga binili namin.
We arrived in the Philippines at around 9:30 PM at sinundo kami ng Tito ko sa airport.
I don't know if I've written about this but I actually have this fear of flying. I have this image of the first 10 minutes of Final Destination playing in my head whenever I fly.
But I was glad that we were back home.
It was a great four days in Singapore. I was able to watch Wicked, go to Universal Studios, go around Singapore, hang out with my mom and see my friends.
It was a really good trip. I had more fun than when we went to Hong Kong.
I wonder where me and my Mom would end up next? Suggestions?
Timmy and I came from the same university back in college. At some point, we were really good friends but due to some people who shall remain unnamed because they are unworthy of the mention, Timmy and I ended up as enemies.
Our personalities are almost the same so imagine nalang nung nag-away kami. Clash of the Titans. Literal.
Fast forward, 3 years later.
We have not spoken to each other. Not a single word. That is until one day, I opened my Facebook account and saw a friend request from her. I was hesitant at first but then I thought, it's been 3 fucking years, siguro naman kahit papaano eh we've both grown up na.
I approved her request.
A few months later, I got the courage to send her an IM.
She immediately replied.
After 3 years, we were finally talking. We apologized to each other for everything that happened.
It felt good to finally make amends.
When I found out that she would be in SG the same time I was, I called her up and asked her to meet me. Since we both had busy schedules, we were only able to meet the day I was returning back to the Philippines.
She came to our hotel to pick me up and we went to the Merlion thing. Sabi kasi ni Mudra, if you go to SG but you don't go to the Merlion, it's like you didn't go to SG at all.
It was great to see Timmy again. Who'd have thought na sa laki ng Pilipinas, sa Singapore pa kami magkikita.
Sayang lang bitin yung oras because I had to get back to the hotel dahil check out time na namin.
But I'm sure magkikita pa kami ulit in the future. I'm positive of that.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
When we arrived in Singapore, I bought a local sim and one reason for that was so that I could contact a good friend of mine who is now living there.
I used to blog about her and she was my wave mate here at the office when I was still working for the call center.
Libby has been a really good friend mine and it's great that even after she left, we're still in contact with one another.
She moved to Singapore last year. I think it was March. She came to SG for work. Greener pastures and all that shit.
So ayun, I made it a point that I had to see her before I left SG. She told me to meet her in Lucky Plaza which was located in Orchard Road.
I asked her how to go there. Sabi niya mag MRT daw ako. Kaloka. Natatakot ako dahil baka maligaw ako at kung saan ako mapadpad.
Despite my better judgement, I decided to take the MRT. Its a good thing I did.
Tignan niyo naman, ito ang dadaanan mo papuntang MRT.
This is where the train stops.
Inside the train. Ang luwag sa loob and it smells sooooo good. It's well maintained, unlike the MRT's in the Phils.
When I reached Orchard Road, I passed by TANGS which was a mall situated beside Lucky Plaza.
After a little walking, I finally reached Lucky Plaza. Akala ko naman park yun or something. Mall pala. May ignorante moment ako hahaha.
Dumating ako dun ng mga 8:50 and I was scheduled to meet Libby at 9AM. But Libby who I could only assume is still on Filipino time arrive at 9:30. So ayan, naghintay ako sa Lucky Plaza dahil sa tagal dumating nang babaeng yun.
When she arrived, I was so happy at tumakbo talaga ako and I hugged her. I haven't seen in a very long time eh.
She bought me breakfast in Mc Donalds. In fairness, I like their servings.
Nagkwentuhan kami ng bongga. She asked me about the office so nagkwento ako sa kanya ng mga chismis na alam ko.
She asked me about Parker so I told her everything.
I asked her how life was in SG. Sabi niya okay naman daw. Work daw lagi but she gets homesick every now and then.
I can imagine what she's feeling. I know how it feels to be far from the people you love.
It was sooo great to see her again. Libby has been a terrific friend to me and I was really sad when she left. She was one of the people I first came out to and she was always there whenever I needed a friend.
Over breakfast, I asked her about work.
"So ano trabaho mo dito?", I asked.
"Sa hotel ako nagwowork."
"Eh anong ginagawa mo dun?"
"Sa front desk ako", she answered.
"Naaabot mo yung desk?!", I asked.
Muntik niyang ipalo sa mukha ko yung tray matapos kong sabihin yun hahaha.
I miss you Libby. Hopefully I can visit SG again.